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16 April 2007 @ 02:46 pm
Who's Who in Doom  
Your guide to the big names in doom and gloom today! Updated post from 2006.

Ali Morteza Samsam Bakhtiari
Birth: 1946
Death: 2007
Education: He holds a PhD in chemical engineering from the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Zurich, Switzerland.
Occupation: Retired in 2005 from the National Iranian Oil Company, where he was a senior expert, after 34 years working there. He has been a part-time lecturer for the Technical Faculty at Tehran University for many years. Bakhtiari has written a number of short essays and is the author of Peaks and Troughs which is about the modern history of Iran. He is also an advisor to the Oil Depletion Analysis Centre.
Doomage: Bakhtiari's predictions regarding peak oil have, so far, been the most accurate and consistent with the data. He predicts that the decline of the oil age will occur between 2006 and 2020, in 4 phases, each being more unpleasant than the one before it. [article]
Loves: His glasses.
Hates: Overly effusive compliments, particularly if they are of a religious nature (i.e., "You are a prophet!").
Tom Whipple
Birth: ~1940
Education: Top Secret.
Occupation: Retired senior CIA analyst, columnist for the Falls Church News Press. He also edits and distributes ASPO-USA's weekly Peak Oil Review and daily Peal Oil Notes.
Doomage: He is "not only an expert on energy, particularly petroleum, but [also] has a big-picture, pragmatic grasp of the problem. Tom talks sense without minimizing the dangers." [source]
Loves: Telling politicians what's up.
Hates: Waiting in line at Luby's.
Thomas "Robert" Malthus
Birth: 1766
Death: 1834
Education: Masters degree in mathematics from Jesus College, Cambridge (1791).
Occupation: Demographer, political economist, professor.
Doomage: Granddaddy of all Doomsters, though as an ordained Anglican minister, he may not have appreciated the title. First brought attention to the importance to humanity of the exponential function (see Albert Bartlett, below), and has an entire school of though named after him. The standard term for what happens when you achieve ecological overshoot (i.e., "Malthusian catastrophe") is also named after him. He did not actually predict a catastrophe.
Loves: Frilly shirts.
Hates: Poor manners.
Andrew "Yoda" Marshall
Birth: 1922
Education: Is prescient, does not need education!
Occupation: Director of the United States Department of Defense's Office of Net Assessment (i.e., the Pentagon's futurist-in-chief) since 1973.
Doomage: His acolytes include Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Paul Wolfowitz. Commissioned the 2003 report on climate change by Peter Schwartz and Doug Randall which predicted worldwide resource wars, and said that climate change was a bigger threat to national security than terrorism.
Loves: Prune juice.
Hates: Young whipper-snappers.
Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski
Birth: 1942
Education: Bachelors degree in mathematics from Harvard (1962), master's degree and a Ph.D. in mathematics from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (1967).
Occupation: None.
Doomage: Wrote Industrial Society and Its Future, and then figured the best way to get people to read it would be by blowing them up.
Loves: Mathematics, nature, numbered lists.
Hates: Industrial civilization, technology, Leftists.
Derrick Jensen
Birth: 1960
Education: B.S. in Mineral Engineering Physics from the Colorado School of Mines (1983) and an M.F.A. in Creative Writing from Eastern Washington University (1991).
Occupation: Author
Doomage: Anarcho-primitivist Marxist who encourages you to help destroy civilization. Wrote Endgame, which has been read by fewer people than Kaczynski's magnum opus (maybe he should try blowing up a few people).
Loves: The Earth, oppressed peoples, numbered lists.
Hates: Industrial civilization, dams.
World's Climate Scientists
Birth: 1934
Occupation: These 2500 scientists are actually loyal socialists planted in the field of climatology for the specific purposes of spreading lies with which to destroy goodness and decency and, most importantly, taking away the SUV's of hardworking Americans like you.
Doomage: There is overwhelming consensus among climate scientists that we are boned.
Love: Huge-ass reports, Socialism.
Hates: Politicians, America
Condoleezza Rice
Birth: 1954
Occupation: National Security Advisor
Education: Bachelors Degree in political science (University of Denver in 1974), Master's Degree in political science from the University of Notre Dame (1975), Ph.D. in Political Science from the Graduate School of International Studies at Denver (1981, at the age of 26).
Doomage: Bush sycophant. Lies just to have someone that agrees with Bush's lies. Expert in the art of looking angry as hell. Used to have an oil tanker named after her (seriously), but they later felt it was politically a good idea to change the name to something else.
Loves: GWB.
Hates: You.
M. King Hubbert.
Birth: 1903
Occupation: geophysicist who worked at the Shell research lab in Houston, Texas.
Education: attended the University of Chicago, where he received his B.S. in 1926, his M.S. in 1928, and his Ph.D in 1937, studying geology, mathematics, and physics
Doomage: Hubbert made the prediction that overall petroleum production would peak in the United States in the late 1960s to the early 1970s. He became famous when this prediction came true in 1970. The curve he used in his analysis is known as the Hubbert curve, and the peak of the curve is known as the Hubbert peak. Was a Technocrat.
Loved: Technology, Science.
Hated: Fun.
James Howard Kunstler.
Birth: 1948
Occupation: Writer
Education: Bachelors Degree in Being an Ass (State University of New York, Brockport)
Doomage: Has written several books on peak oil, as well as an ongoing blog, Clusterfuck Nation. His books include "The Long Emergency", "Home from Nowhere", "The Geography of Nowhere", "The End of Suburbia", and "Maggie Darling, A Modern romance".
Loves: Israel.
Hates: Suburbia, Muslims.
Richard C. Duncan.
Birth: Unknown
Occupation: Unknown
Education: Supposedly, he has a Ph.D. in something.
Doomage: Author of the Olduvai Theory, which is actually just a hypothesis. Is involved with the Institute for the Study of Earth and Man; by "man" they mean "humans", by "study" they mean "blabulate sans facts".
Loves: Chunk.
Hates: People who say that the Olduvai Theory is inconceivable.
Albert Bartlett.
Birth: ~1922
Occupation: emeritus Professor of Physics at the University of Colorado at Boulder
Education: B.A. degree in physics from Colgate University (1944); M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in physics from Harvard University (1948), (1951).
Doomage: Bartlett is a modern-day Malthusian. He regards overpopulation as The Greatest Challenge facing humanity, and promotes sustainable living. His lecture, Arithmetic, Population and Energy, is probably the best primer on the essence of why we are doomed.
Loves: Sustainability.
Hates: Growth, Cornucopians (he calls them the "New Flat Earth Society").
Paul Ehrlich.
Birth: 1932
Occupation: Bing Professor of Population Studies in the department of Biological Sciences at Stanford University (He is a renowned entomologist specializing in butterflies.)
Education: B.A. in zoology in 1953 at the University of Pennsylvania, an M.A. in 1955 at the University of Kansas, and a Ph.D. in 1957 at the University of Miami.
Doomage: Wrote The Population Bomb in 1968. The book predicted a Malthusian crash would occur by the late 1980's. The complete failure of this prediction contributed strongly to the public's distrust of Malthusians. He also humiliated himself via a bet with Julian Simon over the price of copper.
Loves: Eric Pianka.
Hates: Cornucopians.
Club of Rome
Birth: 1968
Occupation: The Club of Rome is a global think tank that deals with a variety of international political issues.
Education: The rich have no need for education!!!
Doomage: Part of a global Satanic conspiracy to destroy goodness and decency. Wrote Limits to Growth, which received a lot of criticism. About a third of the criticism came from people who did not read the book. Another third came from scientists who noted that the Club of Rome didn't explain where their data came from. The last third of critics noted that they liked babies and Jesus, and that "The Club of Rome" is a very pretentious name.
Loves: Satan, human blood.
Hates: Babies, Jesus.
Mahmoud Ahmadineyad and Hugo Chavez.
Birth: 1956 and 1954, respectively.
Occupation: Fiesty world leaders.
Education: Mahmoud has a PhD in traffic and transportation engineering and planning from Iran University of Science and Technology; he was a professor there before his political career. Hugo pursued graduate studies in political science at Caracas' Simón Bolívar University, but left without a degree.
Doomage: Together, they will cripple the west, wipe Israel off the map, and make George W. Bush look like a stupid ass!
Love: Each other!
Hate: George W. Bush.
Hugo Drax.
Birth: 1931
Occupation: Billionnaire
Education: Probably.
Doomage: Planned to depopulate the earth using a human-specific neurotoxin while his "master race" (which, confusingly, consisted of people of many races) waited safely in a space station. Once the toxin dissipated, he and his people would return to earth. Plan was foiled by a secret agent.
Loves: Tea, Black orchid neurotoxin.
Hates: James Bond.
George W. Bush.
Birth: 1946
Occupation: President of the United States of America
Education: Bachelor of Arts degree in history in 1968 from Yale.
Doomage: As figurehead of the Machiavellian, power-hungry "Neo-Conservatives", Bush has done everything in his power to make sure everyone on earth hates the United States, and constantly tries to goad new countries into military conflict with the USA. Makes shit up in order to have plausible-sounding excuses to attack oil-bearing nations. Serves only the interests of the Neo-Conservatives, and lies constantly. Has American Christians duped into thinking he's on their side.
Loves: Cocaine, Booze, Dick Cheney.
Hates: People who ask questions.
Matt Savinar.
Birth: Unknown.
Occupation: Lawyer.
Education: undergraduate degree in Political Science from the University of California at Davis, juris doctorate degree from the University of California at Hastings College of the Law.
Doomage: Runs http://www.lifeaftertheoilcrash.net/ which is a peak oil web site so gloomy, that the pages are black!!
Loves: Making you sad.
Hates: Having his picture taken.
Richard Heinberg.
Birth: Unknown.
Occupation: Writer, Educator.
Education: Masters degree in something.
Doomage: Author of "The Oil Depletion Protocol: A Plan to Avert Oil Wars, Terrorism and Economic Collapse", "Powerdown : Options and Actions for a Post-Carbon World", "The Party's Over: Oil, War and The Fate of Industrial Societies" and "Celebrate the Solstice: Honoring the Earth's Seasonal Rhythms through Festival and Ceremony".
Loves: Hippies.
Hates: Unsolvable problems.
Eric Pianka.
Birth: 1939
Occupation: Herpetologist. (Denton A. Cooley Centennial Professor of Zoology, University of Texas, Austin.)
Education: B. A., Carleton College, 1960; Ph. D., University of Washington, 1965; D. Sc., University of Western Australia, 1990
Doomage: Claims that the human species is currently in overshoot and that a population (and civilization) collapse is now inevitable. Suggests that drastic reduction in human population via a bioweapon might be wise at this juncture (this is not the same thing as "genocide"). Makes theheretic cry.
Loves: Lizards.
Hates: Humans.
Professor Chaos.
Birth: ~1998
Occupation: Supervillain.
Education: Has not completed grade school.
Doomage: This evil alter ego of Leopold Stotch makes it his business to cause chaos wherever he goes! With his sidekick, General Disarray, he performs all manner of malicious deeds, such as switching soups at a restaurant and hiding erasers from a classroom. Was taken out of action by a ninja via a shuriken to the left eye.
Loves: His minions.
Hates: Cartman.
Michael Ruppert.
Birth: ~1951
Occupation: Conspiracy theorist.
Education: Undergraduate degree from UCLA in 1973.
Doomage: He runs the web site From the Wilderness. Ruppert has assembled a large body of claims and an extensive timeline that, he claims, demonstrates the Bush Administration's advance knowledge of the September 11th terrorist attacks and actual participation in them. A lot of his theories are sketchy and poorly formulated, and many consider him to be full of shit.
Loves: Fighting the Man.
Hates: The Man.
James Lovelock.
Birth: 1919
Occupation: Inventor of scientific apparatus, former college professor.
Education: Ph.D. in medicine at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.
Doomage: Developed the Gaia hypothesis, which is a kooky, hippie thing that implies that the earth is a sentient goddess-like being. Lovelock argues that, as a result of global warming, "billions of us will die and the few breeding pairs of people that survive will be in the Arctic where the climate remains tolerable" by the end of the Twenty First century.
Loves: Gaia.
Hates: Fossil fuels.
Dick Cheney.
Birth: 1941
Occupation: Puppeteer, War profiteer.
Education: attended Yale University 1959-1960; Casper College, Casper, Wyo. 1963; B.A., University of Wyoming, Laramie 1965; M.A., University of Wyoming 1966; Ph.D. candidate (but did not complete?), University of Wisconsin, Madison, Wis. 1968.
Doomage: When George W. Bush's mouth moves, it is because of Cheney's hand up his ass making it move. Mr. Cheney was not born of a woman, but rather was formed from a pool of sludge deep inside Mount Doom by a coven of Satanists at the request of Adolph Hitler. Possible architect of 9/11. This draft-dodging, "former" CEO of Halliburton with a pregnant lesbian daughter who tells senators to fuck themselves also may be on the DC madam's client list.
Loves: Booze, Shooting friends, Puppeteering.
Hates: People who ask questions.
Sadam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti.
Birth: 1937
Execution: 2006
Occupation: Sucker.
Education: High school.
Doomage: The US used to like him, but then he got uppity! The US government tricked him by demanding that he allow complete inspection of his country which insulted his frail ego, thus causing him to refuse, which allowed the US to invade Iraq simply by saying, "He refuses inspections! He must have weapons of mass destruction!" even though they knew there weren't any. Now the US has his oil, and he's dead.
Loves: Power.
Hates: Looking stupid.

Some text stolen from babynutcase and evilref
evilref on April 16th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
:-) :-) :-)
Where is Thomas "Robert" Malthus? He is the granddaddy of all doomsters.

Sperm Production Unit 873peace873 on April 16th, 2007 08:20 pm (UTC)
Re: :-) :-) :-)
Yes, I need to add him!
hanjabanjaandabusers on April 16th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)
This is awesome! Thanks for posting it.
The Heretic: God With A Rifletheheretic on April 16th, 2007 09:18 pm (UTC)
*weeps* Damn that Pianka! Damn his genocidal thralls!
fried2stylesfried2styles on April 16th, 2007 09:33 pm (UTC)
Great job! I had no idea the "doom crowd" was so interesting!

Here's one glaring omission:

The American Public
Birth: 1776
Occupation: Getting dumb, fat and happy.
Education: Not that you'd notice.
Doomage: These slack-jawed yokels and misguided bourgeois elected George Bush in the 2004 election. Their all-encompassing greed, laziness and ignorance has led the destruction of the planet.
venuspluto on April 17th, 2007 02:31 am (UTC)
What are you, some kind of elitist?? I'll bet you don't even consider MacDonald's french fries a dietary staple, you traitor, you!!
Mathewerinzdad on April 18th, 2007 02:10 am (UTC)
Dr. Bartlett's piece is required reading.